4 Common Reasons Why Christian Marriages End in Divorce: I was sitting at a small round table, gripping my warm cup of coffee tightly as “Michelle” shared her story with me. I listened carefully, but I was always ready to interrupt her and offer to tell the rest of the story myself.
As a marriage counselor (Christian marriage) and clergy, I had heard all these stories before. Michelle’s version included some dramatic elements that had not been mentioned before, but the main plot was the same. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall madly in love. God approves their marriage. Boy and girl have two children, and shortly after, they realize their “love has grown cold” and they “no longer feel called to their marriage (Christian marriage).”
I couldn’t tell if the questioning look in Michelle’s deep brown eyes was seeking my approval, understanding, or empathy. I could offer understanding, compassion, and empathy, but I couldn’t provide approval.
“Michelle, what biblical reason do you have for divorcing your husband?” I asked.
She seemed shocked. Her eyes searched the corners of the café for an answer and then returned to mine. “I just don’t believe that all this conflict is healthy. It’s not healthy for us or our children. I don’t think God wants us to be this unhappy.”
The problem with Michelle’s summary of her marriage and the problem for more than 50 percent of Christian couples in a Christian marriage who get divorced is the lack of understanding of God’s purpose for marriage (Christian marriage). God is more interested in holiness than happiness. This doesn’t mean He wants women in long skirts, without makeup, serving their husbands. It means He is constantly working to make us more like His Son than to make us happy. Yes, marriage is one of God’s discipleship tools to sanctify and unite us.
Happiness is a byproduct of obedience, not a prerequisite for obedience.
Since we live in a social media society, short, tweetable sentences can spread like wildfire in seconds. Some of these short phrases sound reasonable but are very shallow. Here are four popular phrases that undermine God’s purpose for marriage (Christian marriage):
Read more : How to become a Christian? The ways and benefits of becoming a Christian
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I’m/We’re not happy anymore (the most important reason for the destruction of Christian marriage)
Wow, how great it is to be happy. It’s the American dream. We spend countless amounts of money, time, and other resources trying to make ourselves happy. And as you’ve probably discovered, we are rarely happy. Happiness is like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. It’s wishful and fanciful. It’s just the icing on the cake, not the main course. There is no verse that declares God wants us to be happy. However, there are verses that advise us to trust in the Lord to fulfill our desires and thereby create a joyful heart:
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4) Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. (Psalm 34:5) Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on His law day and night. (Psalm 1:1-2)
Happiness is an inside job. When you look to your spouse to “make” you happy, you set yourself and your spouse up for failure. People can contribute to your overall sense of well-being, but no one on earth can make you happy. What couples really mean when they say, “We’re not happy anymore” is that they’re tired of their marriage (Christian marriage) and tired of doing the work to create lasting love. Remember, feelings are fleeting. Happiness comes and goes. But love remains steadfast.
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This relationship isn’t fulfilling anymore
Where I live, there’s a lot of thunderstorms and a lot of rain. It’s not unusual for the power in our neighborhood to go out because of these sudden storms. A few years ago, my husband and I bought a generator to keep our food from spoiling in the fridge and to keep us from overheating while waiting for the power company to restore electricity. The first time we used the generator was a disaster! It was pouring rain.
The darkness was so thick you could touch it. Using the light from our cell phones, my husband repeatedly pulled the starter cord. The machine sputtered a few times but didn’t turn on. Eventually, I placed my hands on the generator and prayed for it to start. And it did!
We could have easily returned the generator to the local hardware store and told the cashier we were returning it because “it doesn’t work.” But we knew better. We know that generators don’t work if they don’t receive the right amount of power. Often, people expect their marriage (Christian marriage) to “work.” I often say, “Marriages don’t work; people work.” Your marriage (Christian marriage) is lifeless. It needs someone to start it. One of the first lessons I introduce to couples in premarital counseling sessions is needs and expectations.
Many couples who had a Christian marriage approach it with a fairy-tale view, and when Prince Charming is no longer charming or Princess Peach is no longer sweet, they are ready to leave. Marriage (Christian marriage) is for grown-ups. That’s why wedding vows say “in good times and in bad.” As Christians, we should not underestimate ourselves and think that our Christian marriage is over when it doesn’t work. Remember, a good Christian marriage is not one that works. It is one where you work, and prayer helps a lot too.
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We don’t love each other anymore
Love is not a feeling. It’s an action; more precisely, a deliberate action. Viewing marriage through the lens of “being in love” is problematic. What most people refer to is infatuation, not love. Infatuation is a real feeling and is defined as an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone. It’s not meant to last.
Unfortunately, we’ve grown up with romantic movies and fairy tales where that “feeling” of love is supposed to last forever. No wonder couples become disappointed when the realities of married life set in. Bills have to be paid. Children are not always cute and lovable – life’s storms continue. Love is an ongoing action that needs to be cultivated daily. Love is not a pit you fall into. It is a purposeful and deliberate daily decision to put your spouse at the center instead of yourself.
If we truly learned to love each other as Christ has loved us (1 John 4:19), how different our world would be? There would be so much less conflict, jealousy, indifference, and pain. Whenever a couple I am counseling tells me their “love has run out,” I jokingly think: “Well, then it’s time to fall in love again.” What couples are trying to convey here is that the romantic feelings have diminished. I understand.
In my twenty-five years of marriage, I have not always felt “in love.” Again, feelings are fleeting. They will disappoint you. I won’t tell a couple to fall in love again, but I will ask them what deliberate acts of love they have done that day. You can hear the crickets chirping in the background, right? I explain this thought further in “4 Things Christian Couples Need in a Christian Marriage Beyond Love.” The way to regain that feeling of love is to be in love.
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Friendship is better for both of us
Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt have wronged every contentious former couple in the world. They seem happier as friends than they were as a couple. We see photos of them laughing together, walking side by side, looking into each other’s eyes, and even flirting. It looks so romantic. No wonder when couples begin facing conflict and strife in their marriages, they often believe they’d be better off as friends. Some couples even opt for a “preventive” divorce before things get worse. None of this is biblical!
Time and again, the Bible describes Christian marriage as a lifelong covenant that should never be broken. Except for serious marital harm that may warrant divorce, most marital issues are solvable. Why settle for being friends when God can make you one? Bitter divorces are more common than amicable ones.
Children get hurt and often feel pressured to choose sides. Both spouses can suffer financially, dreams are shattered, and your legacy is tarnished. For those who have already divorced, I hope you’ve received the grace of the Lord. There is no condemnation. But as Christians, we must be cautious not to consider divorce as a suitable option for reducing pain in a romantic Christian marriage.
If you’re on the brink of divorce, seek help. A qualified Christian marriage coach or counselor can help you view issues from a different perspective, offer God-honoring solutions to get your marriage back on track, and help you experience God’s amazing mercy and help in your time of need.
We are in the world, but not of it. It’s time for Christians not to be deceived by the world’s systems and phrases. You are more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ who loves you (Romans 8:37), and God is able to work everything for your good because you love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).
