7 basic principles of relationships in the Bible that every couple should know

Fundamental Principles of Relationships in the Bible Every Couple Should Know : When my children were very young, I would sometimes take them bowling. Usually, the bowling alley would do us a big favor by putting up “bumpers” when they saw the little kids. If you’re not familiar with bowling, these bumpers are rails that prevent the ball from going into the gutter. They can quickly take a kid from a score of 4 to 64 (not that 64 is a high score – I can get a good three-digit score even without bumpers).

Once, the bowling alley didn’t put the bumpers up. I went to ask them to raise the bumpers, but my son, who was probably about seven at the time, said he wanted to try without them. It didn’t go well. Almost all his balls went into the gutter. He wasn’t ready to bowl without those things.

Now, you can take this analogy in many unhealthy directions. Reality itself even ruins my analogy a bit. My son actually learned to bowl without bumpers around the eighth or ninth frame. I think the bumpers were somewhat hindering him. This fact completely kills my analogy, but bear with me. In the real world, rails are essential and helpful.

I think you can also fall into thinking that once you’re married, you won’t need any rails and that a ring or certificate means you’ve set these relationship standards. The truth is, they will always be useful this side of glory.

As I give these biblical relationship standards, I’m picturing two believers (strong or weak) who have decided to enter into a relationship with each other. It might be a new relationship, or it might be quite serious. In any case, you want to know how you can honor God in this relationship as you try to discern if marriage might be a possibility. This is not everything that can be said about relationships, but these are some rails that I think will help you grow in your relationship with each other.

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1. Seek First the Kingdom of God (According to the Bible)

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you” (Matthew 6:33, CSB).

It’s really hard not to make a new relationship the center of your being. It’s exciting – as it should be. And probably a bit scary too. All this means your mind, body, emotions, and spirit are elevated.

But if you prioritize your relationship with God above all else, you will benefit. This relationship with God is the center of everything. Ignoring it in your new relationship cuts off the legs of hope and builds on a faulty foundation. By prioritizing God’s kingdom, you ensure your relationship aligns with His will and purposes.

2. Pursue Purity

“For this is God’s will, your sanctification: that you keep away from sexual immorality, that each of you knows how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not with lustful passions like the Gentiles, who don’t know God” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, CSB).

We can return to the bowling example. If you spend the whole game in the gutter, it’s hard to enjoy the game. And that’s really the reason God says what He does about purity. Sex is a good gift from God, best enjoyed within the confines of a covenant. This is what we call marriage.

If you end up in the gutter during dating, it will be harder to grow in other areas. Your mind and body will keep returning to it, affecting every aspect of the relationship. That’s why committing to purity is a good idea.

I’ve bowled a lot and watched others bowl. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen a ball jump out of the gutter and hit a corner pin. I’ve never seen it go from the gutter to a strike. Similarly, you should know that starting in the gutter makes it unlikely you can get things back on track. That’s why it’s wise to put some bumpers up here and keep yourself from temptation. Maintaining physical and emotional purity in dating relationships honors God and respects your partner. Setting boundaries and being accountable to others can help maintain purity.

3. Practice Honesty and Integrity (According to the Bible)

“Therefore, putting away lying, speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25, CSB).

I understand that you want to impress your new love. Sure, it might be a good idea not to have gas on the first date. But you really need to be honest and upright. Be yourself. Again, this doesn’t mean disclosing every detail about yourself by the third date. But you should commit to transparency. You want to know another person, and you want them to know you. It’s better to know now who you are and who your partner is than to discover this years into your marriage.

However, don’t take it too hard. I’ve been married for twenty years and still need to study my spouse. As soon as I think I’ve figured her out, she changes. She’s human. And that’s part of what I love about being married to her. She keeps me on my toes. I’ve seen all these changes because my spouse is an honest and upright woman. Deception tries to hide these changes. And deceitful relationships are contrary to the gospel.

4. Show Respect and Dignity (According to the Bible)

“Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters. Outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10, CSB).

Look, you’re not sure if you’re going to marry this person. Do you really want to disrespect and dishonor someone else’s spouse? Also, what I said is a bit silly. It’s a bit dehumanizing, isn’t it? Your partner is not someone else’s property and will never be your property. They have inherent dignity and value as those made in God’s image. Treat them as such. This isn’t a practical point but a gospel point.

Treating your partner with respect and dignity is a fundamental biblical principle. This means valuing their thoughts, feelings, and boundaries and striving to build them up and encourage them. Honor them. And if you show them the respect and dignity they deserve as an image-bearer of God, something beautiful will happen. If the relationship doesn’t work out, you will have much less regret than if you treated them like trash. And if the relationship does work out – you’ve built a strong foundation of love and care.

5. Commit to Sacrifice and Service (According to the Bible)

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look not to his own interests but rather to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:3-4, CSB).

Relationships tend to make us feel good. A new relationship can make you feel attractive. You might tell yourself, “Someone wants me.” And this thinking and feeling can quickly turn inward. We like this feeling – who doesn’t? To keep feeding this feeling, we can get a bit selfish. But from day one, commit to seeking your partner’s interests over your own.

I tie this back to physical intimacy. The key to a pleasurable marital experience is focusing on your partner’s pleasure over your own. Why am I telling you this if you’re just dating? Because any physical intimacy outside the boundaries set by God is essentially self-centered. Because if the Bible is true, and I believe it is, this is not the best thing for you or your partner. Why would you want anything less than the best for them?

6. Seek Wise Counsel

“Plans fail when there is no counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22, CSB).

In a way, dating and relationships seem to come naturally to us – and to some extent, they do. God created us to live in community. He also created us to be fruitful and multiply (for many of us, this is partly fulfilled through biological children). It’s one of those things that feels like it doesn’t need a manual, like you can put it together by instinct. Oh man, is that wrong?

A healthy relationship requires work. You will face some challenges. You will have things you’re not even sure how to deal with, maybe some disagreements that seem irresolvable (and might be). You need wise and godly counsel to help you navigate this path. Seek some for your relationship. Not someone who gets overly involved and stunts your growth together – but wise counselor(s) to help you make decisions that honor God and benefit your relationship.

7. Have Fun (According to the Bible)

“There is an occasion for everything, and a time for every activity under heaven… a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, CSB).

I hope your relationship falls under the “time to laugh” and “time to dance” parts of that equation. You should have fun. Enjoying each other’s company and having fun is an essential aspect of a healthy dating relationship. God created us to experience joy and laughter, and including these elements in your relationship is vital.

These days, I feel a bit like the Joker. I want to tell many young couples, “Why so serious?” I understand. And I feel like I’m betraying years of pastoral training by saying this – but maybe we’re taking this too seriously. Given that our culture is hurtling at breakneck speed toward sexual immorality, saying this feels irresponsible. Many relationships are burning and scorching people along the way. I get that, but sometimes I think we’re fighting this problem the wrong way.

Maybe the way to combat sexual immorality and unhealthy relationships is to tell a better story. Joy-filled boundaries are much easier to uphold than dry, disciplinarian rules drive out immorality. Enjoy this gift God has given you. Give it to Him. And have fun together.