Becoming More Like Christ in Your Marriage through the Sanctifying Power of Conflict

Ali Vahidi The way of Christ “We need to talk.” It’s the one phrase that makes almost any man run for the hills. Can’t you hear the tension in that sentence? The reality is that most men (and women too) assume that the “need” to talk comes with conflict. And most people avoid conflict, hence the frantic flight from imminent danger. This is the “flight” response in the fight, flight, or freeze method that we learned in middle school science. However, the problem with running away from conflict in marriage is that we miss out on the benefits of maturing in the Christian faith and growing in our marriage. Rather than seeing conflict as an obstacle to harmony, Christian couples are called to embrace it as a tool for discipleship that shapes us into the image of Christ.

Cultivating humility

Marriage challenges your humility incredibly. Have you ever heard the marriage joke that goes, “My wife says I know everything. I told him that I already knew that!” Pride constantly tempts us, especially when we are involved in a conflict. We see things in our own way. We want everything to go according to our plan. We believe that our answer is correct.

One of the most valuable qualities of Jesus was his humility. The Bible says: “But he emptied himself, took the form of a servant, and when he was found human, and came in the likeness of man, he humbled himself, and became obedient to God even to death, even to the death of the cross.” (Philippians 2:7-8a, new translation). Where in marriage have you been clinging to your “privilege” instead of humbling yourself in obedience to God? Is it more important to be right or to act right? You decide.

Practice patience

Patience is a virtue. It is also a fruit of the spirit that grows in an atmosphere of conflict. When you don’t get what you want right away, instead of giving in to frustration, anger or impatience, you should be patient with your partner. Colossians 3:12 encourages believers to “clothe yourselves with mercy and kindness and humility and gentleness and long-suffering” (emphasis added). Patience is a gift you give to your spouse that keeps unity and peace in your marriage.

Cultivating discernment

Some couples believe that the less conflict they have in their marriage, the healthier their marriage is. However, this is not the case. I often say that if a couple has no disagreements, someone must be lying. Certainly, there are internal conflicts that may never be revealed. Hiding them only leads to bitterness and ultimately, to resentment.

The goal in marriage is not uniformity, but unity. God does not want you to be an exact copy of your spouse, his opinions, personality and even his preferences. The beauty of marriage is when two completely different people choose life and love together.

As conflict emerges, you develop discernment about what is truly important and what (or who) is threatening the unity of your marriage. I often tell my marriage counseling clients, “The problem is not your spouse; The problem is the problem.” We need discernment to see what methods the enemy is trying to wreak havoc in our homes. We need the discernment to understand the root of the conflict rather than focusing on the symptoms of the conflict. One of the best ways to cultivate discernment and foster greater unity in a marriage is to pray together when conflict arises.

Learning to listen

Most people can hear, but many don’t. Listening is an acquired skill. The problem is that many people listen to respond, not to understand. Christ was a wonderful listener. He listened to the fears of his students. He listened to the story of the Samaritan woman (the woman at the well). He listened to the questions the Pharisees asked him. And he listens to you and me. We are acting like Christ when we are trying to understand our spouse first, even in the midst of conflict. Proverbs 18:13 reminds us: “Whoever answers before he hears, foolishness and shame will overtake him” (NIV translation). The next time a conflict arises in your marriage, listen to your spouse to find out how he feels about the situation. Listen to find common ground. Listen to show kindness when needed. Listen as Christ listened.

Cultivating empathy

Empathy has become a common term in today’s culture, but it is also intertwined with the life of Christ. Christ showed us great compassion—and literally put himself in our place. As conflict emerges in your marriage, you will have an opportunity to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. How should this feel for him? The key to true empathy is not asking, “What would I do if I were my wife?” Rather, it is asking the question, “What would my wife do if she were in that situation?”

Empathy is not about self-centeredness, but about other-centeredness. It’s about highlighting his point of view and feelings. Empathy is the gateway to compassion, connection and caring in your marriage. Instead of avoiding conflict or repressing emotions, embrace empathy by engaging your partner in asking provocative, sincere, and curious questions. This builds trust and provides a safe environment for your partner to be vulnerable and model you for Christ.

Today in the article : Becoming More Like Christ in Your Marriage through the Sanctifying Power of Conflict We reviewed useful information about the Bible and the way of Jesus. If you wish, you can view other articles of Ali Vahidi about Christianity